Mindset: Letting go in order to get myself back
Six weeks ago I made the decision to step away from my successful massage therapy clinic, to walk away from a booming business that I had started at the height of the COVID pandemic in a new city where I only knew two other people. Well, three other people if you count my realtor.
Now, four years later, and through many major life changes, I found myself literally struggling to breathe. My clients, who I cherish and worked so hard to cultivate, had inadvertently become triggers for my newly discovered caregiver PTSD. Oh yeah. Not anticipating that one on my 2024 bingo card.
Instead of enjoying the zen-like atmosphere of the massage treatment room, I started having to fight off panic attacks. Instead of looking forward to the interactions with my lovely clients, I began to dread the unknown of each session, sobbing on my way to work.
Overwhelmed and out-of-sorts, I confided in friends and my therapist. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I strong enough to just power through this like I do everything else? The narrative of my childhood playing in the background, adults shamefully yelling at me to “buck up” and to just “stop crying because it will upset others”.
My current support team all agreed: it sounded like PTSD from caregiving for my mom, and that seeing clients (more caregiving) was feeding into that unresolved trauma. I no longer felt safe and it was ok to do what I needed to take care of myself.
It IS ok to do what I need to take care of myself.
It IS ok that I can’t do what I used to do.
It IS ok that I need help.
Honestly, I’m still learning these things. I’ve also just started working on the size and resiliency of my “safety bubble” with my therapist. And, I get the fun job of reparenting myself, kind of going back in time to console a chubby girl with coke-bottle glasses and pigtails, hugging her tight and saying to her the things I wish adults had said to me. Gah!
In the meantime, this is my last week seeing clients and it has been a bittersweet good-bye. I feel honored that they trusted their vulnerable and painful parts to me. Funny how now I’m trusting you with my vulnerable and painful parts.